im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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