If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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