omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
