i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
She announced her abortion via fbk
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
