I just made out with a guy for $7.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
