you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
We have started to decorate penises.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
