The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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