My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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