Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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