On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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