guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
