From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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