Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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