sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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