i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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