So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Randomize
