Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
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