how can u be prego again
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
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