I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
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