just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
