Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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