Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Ladies don't puke and tell
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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