Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize