Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
