I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
