Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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