How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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