I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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