Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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