you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
