Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
