I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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