Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
