...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
