i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
