i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
