trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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