ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
