I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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