ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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