im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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