Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
