Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
He passed out mid-signature
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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