and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
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