dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
