to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
