Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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