She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize