You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Randomize
