She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
