I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Randomize
