I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
