I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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