Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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