i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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